A few months ago, I learned something that completely changed my perspective on my self and my relationships. I completed a Myers-Briggs personality assessment and learned that I’m an INTJ. (More on what that means in a minute.) I had taken this test many years ago, but I struggled with it at the time. I wondered, “Should my answers reflect how others see me or how I see myself?” I fumbled my way through the test, but the results didn’t really resonate with me. I chalked it up to a waste of time, and never thought much about it again. But this time, I answered the questions a little differently and got an accurate result. I’m an INTJ, and the more I read about this personality type, the more I understand my self and my relationships with others.
INTJ stands for Introvert, INtuitive, Thinking, and Judging. Here’s a drastically simplified synopsis of what that means: Introverts are inwardly focused and are energized by spending time alone. INtuitive personalities are “big picture thinkers” who like to plan for the future. Thinking (as opposed to Feeling) personalities are guided by objective information rather than subjective emotions when making decisions. Judging personalities prefer routine and structure to spontaneity and improvisation.
The INTJ is one of the rarest personality types, making up only about 2% of the population. Female INTJs account for about 0.8% of the population, so we’re apt to feel like we don’t “fit in” with society. INTJ females tend to be career-oriented, and many work in fields dominated by men. INTJs also tend to be skeptical of religion. As an INTJ and a Christian stay-at-home mom, I often feel like a fish out of water.
In addition to being rare, the INTJ is also one of the most misunderstood personalities. Remember my struggles with the Myers-Briggs assessment the first time around? There’s a big difference between the way others see me and the way I am. That’s why I decided to write this blog post. Here are six things your INTJ friends want you to know:
We crave strong intellectual connections.
When you meet an INTJ, your first impression might be that she is aloof or snobbish. In reality, she is simply reserved and/or private. She is looking for an opportunity to forge a connection with you. But here’s the key – INTJs connect on an intellectual level rather than an emotional one. Your new INTJ friend wants to exchange thoughts and ideas rather than small talk or gossip. She’s willing to listen to how you feel about your job/spouse/kids/etc., but she probably won’t share how she feels about hers. INTJs would rather discuss a book you’re reading, a documentary you’ve watched, or your thoughts on current events.
Please be patient. Don’t write us off if we don’t connect with you right away. INTJs are introspective people who spend more time thinking than talking. The good news is when we do talk, you can bet we’ll be 100% authentic. We don’t know how to be phony because INTJs instinctively live in accordance with our personal values. Forming a deep connection with an INTJ requires an investment of your time, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor.
We are fiercely loyal.
INTJs are private people who don’t allow many others to get close to us. When an INTJ calls you friend, it means a lot. We care deeply for our friends, although we may have a hard time showing it. If we choose to share our feelings with you, you are highly valued. You have the opportunity to see “the whole me,” which means you are trusted. In addition to time and energy, INTJs invest emotions, vulnerability, and trust in our friendships, which is particularly challenging for us. This creates a bond that makes us fiercely loyal. You can count on us to be honest, trustworthy, and reliable. We’ll always have your back.
And we’ll expect you to have ours as well. INTJs are prone to social anxiety, in part because we wonder if you value us as much as we value you. If a friend bails on us, we’ll take it personally because we internalize our feelings and experiences. We also have a sixth sense that alerts us to lies, phoniness, and manipulation. If we’re betrayed or rejected by a friend, we see their lack of loyalty as the ultimate sin. If you lose our trust, you’re not likely to get it back. We value loyalty above all else.
We have big hearts but don’t wear them on our sleeves.
INTJs are eager to help others, but let’s be honest: we aren’t nurturing. We may not provide the best emotional support, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care. In fact, many introverts are also Highly Sensitive People. HSPs have an extraordinary capacity for empathy and often feel other people’s emotions as intensely as their own. However, INTJs aren’t comfortable showing emotions, especially in public. We often avoid emotionally intense situations (such as funerals), not because we don’t care enough to show up, but because we’d be embarrassed to fall to pieces in front of others.
Female INTJs are often seen as “cold” because we don’t outwardly display our affection for others. Sorry, we aren’t huggers! We show our love in subtle, practical ways such as making time for you, defending you against gossip, or helping you solve a problem.
We are problem solvers.
INTJs are at their best when they are strategizing and problem solving. For example, if you want an INTJ to contribute as an employee, share your challenges with her and ask for solutions. If you want an INTJ to shine as a friend, tell her your problems and ask for advice. INTJs are excellent listeners, but we’re more apt to offer practical help than emotional support, often in a direct manner. We won’t sugarcoat it for you, which can earn us a reputation for being opinionated or “know-it-alls.”
If you’d rather just “vent” without receiving advice, let us know up front, and we’ll refrain from trying to fix the situation. But if you’re ready to make a change in your life, we stand ready and willing to help. For example, I’m obsessed with home organization, so if a friend asks me to help clean out her closets, I’m there! What might seem like a chore to you is an opportunity for your INTJ friend to show love, make a contribution, and live her purpose.
We place a high value on competence and efficiency.
I’ll admit it: INTJs get abnormally excited about efficiency. We also get unusually perturbed when confronted with incompetence or inefficiency. We try not to be rude or impatient. In the words of James Dyson, we “just think things should work properly.” The INTJ personality is known as the “Mastermind” because of our affinity for strategic planning and our abilities in system building. We like to devise a detailed plan, then work to execute it effectively. We are highly organized and easily frustrated by chaos. (As a former event planner, I nearly lost my mind watching the Netflix documentary about the Fyre festival!) INTJs are at our best when we are strategizing, planning, and organizing. If you want your INTJ friend to participate in something, ask her to help plan it!
We want to be invited.
INTJs are often misunderstood and excluded, so being included in an activity or invited to an event will totally make our day! We may seem quiet and shy in groups, but INTJs can be quite witty and fun, especially in the comfortable company of people we know and enjoy. You may be thinking, “Why invite introverts to a party? They don’t want to come anyway.” Well, in my case, that’s not true. I’m a social introvert and I love parties! But even introverts who avoid gatherings still want to be invited. You can let your INTJ friends know you care about us by including us. Show your INTJ friend that she’s a priority for you, and you’ll have a friend for life.
